Why Did You Leave Me?
by chibisanzo
Summary: post-kyoto fic. Tsuzuki returns from Touda's fire which nearly killed him and now has to try to regain Hisoka's trust. Hisoka POV in the beginnings. TsuzukiXHisoka
1. Chapter1

Warning: Angst. Loads of it.

Disclaimer :Don't sue me?

**Chapter 1.**

This is painful. Nothing matters anymore. I would like to die, but I'm already dead. Is the world without Tsuzuki this bleak and colourless? I should have saved him from that fire. I should have. But he wanted to go. He wanted to leave us. He wanted to leave me. That was what he wanted, wasn't it?  
  
Everyone is giving me that look. That look I resent, but barely have enough strength to ask everyone to back off and leave me alone. They have carefully got their shields up all right, but I can still feel them. The emotions. Although I am quite certain no one, not one single soul in Meifu is feeling as much pain as I am in right now.  
  
I stumble into the office, mumbling "good morning" to anyone who passes me. They all stare at me with fear and sympathy etched upon their faces. They say "Good morning, Hisoka," as cheerily as possible but it's all fake. Everything is not real. But it is, and I have got an eternity to live in it. I stare at Tsuzuki's table, the surface covered with half eaten sweets and paperwork undone. There's another sharp pain in my chest as I look at the cake he had eaten but could not finish because we had to go to the meeting. I am kind of grateful that they did not clean up his table yet. I need something to cling on to and even if it was just his food, it will do. For now.  
  
Tatsumi walks in and gives me a look. I pretend not to notice him , although it's obvious that I do due to my empathy. He is in pain too, but I blame him. He was the one who stopped me from going to Tsuzuki. He said it was his wish to die and we should honour it. I hesitated for a while and that was when 'it' happened. Everything fell apart due to the intense heat of Touda's flames, big huge boulders came crashing down and I could not see Tsuzuki anymore. He says good morning to me but I cannot bring myself to look at him in the eye. I cannot bring myself to talk to him normally without wanting to punch his face. Realising that I am not going to talk to him, he nods curtly and goes into his office. He thinks I did not see but I saw him wiping a tear off his face.  
  
Wakaba bounds in the room although her gait is noticeably less spirited. Obviously. She was the one that supplied sweets to Tsuzuki and now he's gone. She comes over and offers me some sweets. "I accidentally made them,"she said softly. I understood what she meant. She was going through her routine of making sweets for Tsuzuki every day. And she forgot that he left us all. I shake my head and manage to choke out a "No thanks." Just that two simple words is enough to make my eyes blur with tears although I fight them and they do not fall.  
  
She nods softly and on her way out, she stops and puts the plate of sweets on Tsuzuki's table. Then she walks out.  
  
Watari comes in, next, 003 on his shoulder. He stops at my table, kneels down and says, "It's going to be okay, Bon." But it's not. It's not going to be okay. Tsuzuki is never going to come back. I stand up furiously, and scream, "What do you mean it's going to be okay?" and he backs away. The whole room looks up at me in fear. Shit, the emotion is getting too much. I close my eyes and attempt to shield my face. "Stop," I moan. Watari understands and leads me out of the room. I let him even though I wanted to run away from everyone. He brings me to his lab and sits me down. He then nags at me like a mother would for a full 20 minutes. I have no idea what he is saying. But then again I am comforted by the fact that he did not stare at me with sympathy like everyone else. Worry and sympathy are two very different things.  
  
I mumble something incoherently when it appears that he is asking me a question. He asks again. What is he talking about? I have no idea. But I nod in response. He shakes his head in frustration and takes it out on me. He rattles on for another 20 minutes but I am not listening either. I just want to disappear from the earth. Please, someone, just kill me. Watari's concern grows and it is getting too much for me to handle. I stumble away from him and say shakily, "I want to go home." He stops ranting and apologises to me. I try to stand up but I faint. God, I'm lame.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tsuzuki is muttering something about him not being a human. He is drinking too much. Obviously he is hurting. He asks me, "Hisoka, if I am not a human, then what am I?" I do not know how to answer him because he is human, to me. What else can he be? How can a sweet, kind-hearted, generous goofball be anything else but a human? I just say his name. He runs out of the bar and bangs his head on the wall, wanting to take his eyes out. He says the colour of his eyes is not human.  
  
I run after him and try to stop him. I grab him from the back and as a result got sucked into his memories of the past. I see him suffering, trying to be like the other kids, wanting to be accepted but ridiculed and insulted and hurled rocks at. His pain and guilt is intense. My heart breaks too as I try to stop him. I tell him that he is human and he should stop crying. I wipe his tears away and I hug him, wanting to make him stop being so guilty over his job as a shinigami, taking other people's lives away.  
  
We sit in a corner of a secluded playground, Tsuzuki on my lap. He looks up at me and asks, again and again. "Am I human?" I nod. "Yeah, you are human." He smiles a tiny smile. "I see. I am human." And I smile. Everything is all right again, at least, for a little while.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I wake up, sweating furiously as I recalled the dream. For a second, I almost believed he was there asking whether he was human. I did not do enough. I should have made him realized that he was in fact, more humane than anybody else I have ever met. I should have told him to stop agonizing. I should have killed off Muraki with my own hands, because Tsuzuki would have never left me if not for that bastard. All this because I was too weak. I did not have the strength to stop Muraki. I did not have the courage to tell Tsuzuki what I really felt. I did not know how to stop Tsuzuki from being so guilt-ridden.  
  
And now, he's gone.  
  
It makes me wonder, just how much I really mean to him, to have him leave me so easily. To just let go of the people you care about, and embrace the darkness. Maybe if I had gotten to him anyway, it would not have made a difference, if he did not care about me. He would have still wanted to die. Yes, that's probably it.  
  
And with that, I weep. I have not shed a single tear since yesterday, when Tsuzuki left. I cried for him. I cried for the things he did to me because now, I am alone. Again. I should have known. Happiness is not forever. As the darkness took over, I was aware of Tatsumi ruffling my hair, willing me to stop crying. For a moment, I realize I'm not at home. I can hear Tatsumi talking to Watari, but the words are fuzzy to my ears. Maybe he regrets stopping me.  
  
I close my eyes, wanting to go to sleep.  
  
Why did you leave me, Tsuzuki?  
  
:P Whaddya think? Worthy enough to continue? Or shud I just leave it as a one-shot? Or did it suck? Review! 


	2. Chapter 2

A/n: It's kinda mixed between the anime and the manga(volume5) so I apologise if readers get confused and then pissed :P.

**Chapter 2**

* * *

I have no idea how long it's been. Tatsumi has given me a week's leave but I think it has been more that that. I am not sure. I am still in the infirmary when I collapsed the other day. I am still in the infirmary not because I am sick but because I do not want to leave. I would lie there and not speak to anyone even though they would try their best to talk to me. It hurts too much to talk anyway so I would rather shut up.  
  
Tatsumi is getting frustrated with me, I can tell. His usually guarded emotions can be easily read for some strange reason this week. I think he does that on purpose, to let me know how annoyed he is with me for lazing around in the infirmary. But I can't leave. I cannot go back to work knowing that Tsuzuki will not be working with me this time around. So I refuse to talk to him and curl up on one side of the bed and shut my eyes tightly, hoping sleep will swallow me up. I know the rest are sick of me already. Their visits have lessened, gradually, save for Watari who comes in everyday to try to snap me out of it. I admire him for his persistence though.  
  
Most of the time, I sleep. It is the only way to escape from the reality. When I sleep, I have nightmares. Most of them about Tsuzuki. If that is the only way I can still see him, then I want to sleep forever. I always wake up, expecting him to be beside me, smiling goofily, and going, "Hisoka, you're awake!" But no one is ever there. Everyone is leaving me. Tsuzuki was the only reason the rest of the people in Meifu tolerated me and gotten to know me a lot better. And now that he has gone.... I cursed. Why did I ever let my heart open up to the people when I am going to get hurt? If I was still the cold, stiff Hisoka from then, I wouldn't have felt this painful. That would be better. What is the point of being nice and friendly and caring when you are going to get hurt eventually?  
  
Watari is talking to me again. I am not listening, as usual. I flinch when he touches me, and backs away from him as far as I possibly can. His worry and concern flood into me. "Do not touch me," I hissed, remembering again, the past, when Tsuzuki touched me for the first time. All his emotions flooded into me until I could not take it anymore and I pushed him away roughly. He did not understand then, and he thought I hated him. Well, I hate him now. And I will tell him that if he was here. But of course he's not.  
  
Watari apologises to me. I nod and curl up into a ball again on the bed. The door slams open. I uncurl and look at the intruder. Tatsumi walks in forcibly and stops at my bed. I grimace as I could feel his annoyance projecting into me. "Stop it," I screamed silently. He nods at Watari and then, looks at me. He speaks, "Hisoka, tomorrow, you are reporting for work. Your new partner just signed in today and..." I space out. I gasp at him and his cruel words. New partner. I don't want a new partner. I don't want anybody. I want Tsuzuki. I don't want to move on. I cry out in dismay as I imagine Tsuzuki's desk being decorated with the stranger's belongings. I shake my head violently and protest. Tatsumi does not want to listen to me. Watari simply looks at me in sympathy. I hate Tatsumi. And I tell him so.  
  
His eyes widen in shock and he does not say anything for a while. I take the opportunity to tell him how I really feel. I want to hurt him like I was hurt. I want him to feel what I am feeling right now. I tell him if he did not stop me, Tsuzuki would have been safe and smiling right beside me at that very moment. I tell him that he is a murderer. I scream all this things at him and throw the pillow at his face, messing up his neatly coifed hair. Hearing all this commotion, the rest of the staff come in and try to restrain me, although they do not touch me. With that many people in the room, I feel dizzy again. I beg Watari to shoo them all away, even Tatsumi. Thank the Gods he did just that. I lie down on my bed again and try to regain my breath.  
  
Feeling rather numb, I lie down again and close my eyes. The moment I shut them, I can see Tsuzuki there, smiling at me. He isn't real, of course. But I miss him. Badly. I begin to dream again. I am viewing the events when he died. As if I am another person, I watch myself scream helplessly at Tsuzuki in the middle of the burning flames. I watch as Tatsumi grabs me from behind and reasons with me. I watch as my shoulders sag in defeat and then in horror as the building came down around us. I watch myself wail in desperation trying to get to Tsuzuki but Tatsumi and Watari teleports us back to Meifu. And then, I wake up.  
  
There are tears streaming down my face this time. I look around. Watari is not there. Of course. He is probably tired of me and decided to leave. That is fine with me. I wipe away my tears with my sleeve and hoist myself up to a sitting position. Feeling lost and defeated with my hands at my sides, I stare at the window outside and then look dazedly at the whitewashed wall. I sit like this for how long, I do not know. All I remember is, when I look at the window again, it is already dark. The nurse brings in food but as expected, I do not eat. Watari comes in again and he apologizes that he could not be with me this afternoon as he was occupied with his lab. I want to hurt him too so I say, "It doesn't make a difference anyway whether you are here or not."  
  
He just smiles and refuses to take the bait. Watari is smarter than that. For some reason, I am grateful. He ruffles my hair like I am some four year old, but with my frequent tantrums this whole week, nobody would have guessed that I am sixteen. Forever sixteen. Watari then speaks gently, "Bon, I know you are angry and hurt but you have to move on. Are you going to be like this forever?" I look away. Then I say in a small voice, "I can't go to work. Not now." He speaks again, "Then when will you be okay?" I shake my head helplessly as I imagine the traitor who will take the place of Tsuzuki. How dare he? I voice my thoughts aloud. "I'll go to work if that new partner quits."  
  
Watari snorted exasperately and he tries to reason with me. No one reasons with a sixteen year old in pain. No one. I begin to lose it again and start shouting. "That's Tsuzuki's job. Why does he have to take over?" Watari begs me to calm down and he pauses for a while before speaking again. What he says next shatters my already broken and trampled heart into a million more pieces. "Tsuzuki is never going to come back," he says softly. I cover my ears and pull the thin blanket over my head and close my eyes again. "No," I echoed over and over again until I go back to sleep.

* * *

I am not going to work. I don't want to. But Tatsumi is here and he is ordering me to get up and walk two hallways down into our office. But I don't want to. I don't have a choice. I have put it to mind to hate the new partner. That way, no one gets hurt and frankly I don't care who that is if it is not Tsuzuki. Nothing else matters anymore. I walk down the hall slowly, my footsteps echoing loudly along the walls. Strange how it seems to be a lot quieter now. As I walk in, people in the office look up at me and then look back down again. Oh, so they aren't going to acknowledge me as well? That's okay with me.  
  
I knock on the door of Kacho's office and enter his room. Another unfamiliar man is sitting in the chair that Tsuzuki normally occupies. I almost push him off the chair but I resist the urge to. Instead I hold out a hand and say "How do you do? I am Kurosaki Hisoka." I don't smile. I can't. The man has dark hair, almost black but not quite, deep brown eyes, chiseled features and a face that looks like he is going to break out into a big cheery smile every single minute. He looks nice. Damn it. I need to hate him. He is almost Tsuzuki's height and I know that because I only reach up to Tsuzuki's shoulders. He smiles now and says kindly, "Hey, how are ya doing? I'm Shido."  
  
I nod curtly and remove my hand to my side. I beg the Gods silently for a reason to hate my new partner but I cannot seem to find any flaws. As Kacho rambled on and on about the rules of being a Shinigami, I space out instead, and think about the times Tsuzuki and I spent in this small cramped room. Most of the time, he would be grumbling and being told off by either Kacho or Tatsumi. I blink as I realize Kacho is calling my name. I look up and say "Huh?"  
  
He looks at me worriedly for a moment before clearing his throat. Then, he asks me to show Shido the ropes of being a Shinigami and he gives us our latest assignment. I feel like hitting him. I am in no mood, nor do I have the strength to go on a field mission. But I don't have a choice. I nod wearily and slump forward, suddenly feeling very shaky and weak. Shido immediately leans forward to stabilize me to keep me from whacking my head on the desk. Oh great. A reason to hate him. I flinch at his touch and growl, "Don't touch me." He held up both his hands in surprise and looks at our boss for explanation. Kacho takes another twenty minutes to explain what the hell is wrong with me and teaches him how to basically put up his shields so he does not give me an emotional breakdown.  
  
When we proceed to leave the office for the assignment, Kacho tells me to show Shido his desk. I nod slowly and walk out. Then I turn to Shido. "You don't have a desk." He blinks in surprise and stares at me for a moment to digest my words. He does not seem to get it. "But the boss told you to..." I repeat what I have just said. He then starts randomly pointing out at desks which are not occupied and asks me "What about this?" I tell him that they are all occupied. Then he points at Tsuzuki's desk. He asks the same question. I say quietly, "You cannot have that desk. It is occupied." He gives up and simply nods. I think he hates me now. That is a good thing.  
  
We finish up our assignment in two days. During that time, I speak only when spoken to and refuse to engage in any other form of conversation. He seems to get that I do not wish to talk to him, however nice he might be and gives up. I pack up my stuff and get ready to go home and realize with a pang of regret that it is the first time in a long long time that I am going home alone. Usually Tsuzuki walks back with me. With shaky breaths, I look around for Watari to see whether he can accompany me. But he is engaged with another of his crazy experiments and I have no desire to stop him. There is no one else in the office besides Shido. I prod him in the back with my file and asks whether he wants to walk home together.  
  
He looks surprised but pleased and he agrees. I do not have the heart to tell him that I am only asking him along just because I do not want to walk home alone out of habit. I am grateful for the company though even though I do not speak at all the whole journey home. He tries hard, and ends up with "Uh..", "Yeah," "I don't know," as answers to his questions. Then he gets irritated. He is not very good at shielding his emotions when he is angry. He stops halfway and asks, "Are you always that anti-social? You don't talk very much, do you?" I just nod. He gets even more annoyed and he sighs in exasperation. He does not talk anymore until we reach my house. I guess he will leave me alone from now on. He attempts a feeble goodbye and for a second, I want to thank him for accompanying me home but I quash whatever that is threatening to come out of my mouth and enter my dark empty house, slamming the door.  
  
I stare at the blank walls, thinking of stuff to do. I mope for three hours thinking about Tsuzuki. There is a knock on my door. I open it to see Watari there, with some take-out and a six pack. Good, I don't have to be alone for the night. I invite him in and we both eat our take-out silently. I am beginning to think my face resembles a rock. I show no expression, nothing. I think I must look terrible. But I feel terrible and I want the whole world to feel the same too. Watari then rambles on and on about his experiment he did today and I allow a tiny ghost of a smile to crack on my face. Then he stops and he looks at me, obviously pleased about something.  
  
I am annoyed again. "What?" I ask. He says, "Good, you smiled. You didn't zone out like you used to." It reminds me of the time when I was having a bad dream on the ship and when I woke up, Tsuzuki was there and he comforted me. After that he cheered me up in a very weird way, making me annoyed at him about something. He was smiling and saying I was getting better just because I snapped at him. Watari is waving his hands at me. "You are zoning out again!" he cries.  
  
I just grab one can of beer and finish it in 6 gulps. Watari groans and slaps his hand on his forehead, saying that he should not have brought beer along. Then the doorbell rings again. I stumble to it and open it only to see Tatsumi staring at me. He looks past me and sees Watari. "Watari, you have an assignment. Kacho wants to see you in his office now." Watari looks concerned about me but I tell him I will be okay. Then he grumbles something about having to work late-shifts on such short notice and teleports to the main building with Tatsumi.  
  
It is dark. I don't want to go to bed. I snuggle on my couch and try to sleep. I can't because images of Tsuzuki will pop into my mind each time I close my eyes. I feel so lonely right now. Why isn't Tsuzuki here to comfort me? I want to cry but I am void of any tears. After two hours, I finally drift off to sleep. And started having nightmares again. This time, it's not about Tsuzuki. I am reliving the past again, when that bastard Muraki raped me. I want to wake up but I can't. Someone help. Tsuzuki. Help me. Please.  
  
I jerk awake, breathing harshly. The stupid curses on my body is flaming red. This can only mean one thing. That bastard is still alive. Why did they take Tsuzuki and not Muraki? I hug myself, wanting to call Watari but I realize he is on duty. There is no one else to go to. I put on my shoes and walk out of my house. The sakura trees are still blooming. Luckily, there is no red moon or I will seriously freak out. My legs have a life of their own. I walk aimlessly, not knowing what to do or where to go. After twenty minutes, I stop and look around. I am in front of Tsuzuki's house. Feeling a sense of nostalgia, I turn the door knob and it opens easily. I walk in cautiously even though I know the house is empty and like me, so very lonely. I climbed up his stairs slowly, trying to take in everything about his home. Who knows, by the end of the week, they might demolish the whole building. I enter his bedroom cautiously. The bed is still unmade. For a strange reason, that comforts me to no end. I plop down on Tsuzuki's bed and clutch his blanket close to me. In less than a minute, I fall asleep and for once, I do not have anymore nightmares.

* * *

I do that again the next day, and the next and the day after that. Each time I wake up due to my nightmares, I will instantly go over to Tsuzuki's house and spend the night in the comfort and warmth of his bed. And my nightmares would disappear. Watari sometimes come by to accompany me but I always tell him I will be fine and he leaves after I go to sleep. Tatsumi is doing his best to avoid me and Shido, well, he has given up on me. He still walks home with me everyday because he can sense that I do not want to be alone.  
  
I get up 2 hours earlier today and practice my kendo. Usually my mind is clear and devoid of any other things, but today I can only think of Tsuzuki. Having kept all my feelings in my shell for so long, I throw everything into this practice. I fling my shinai as hard as possible forward, letting my anger show. "WHY!" I shout silently in my mind. The swish of the shinai is the only thing that can be heard. I am not satisfied. I let out a satisfying growl of anger while throwing forward the shinai. Again and again I repeat the action, wanting to rid myself of the anger and pain that I am feeling. "ARRRRRRRGGGHH" I shout as I run forward and swing the shinai as hard as I possibly can. I stop after an hour.  
  
Feeling utterly spent, I drop my shinai onto the wooden floors, and sink to the ground, breathing harshly. I sit like this for very long. At last, I get up slowly off the ground and walk out of the room, leaving the bamboo stave lying there on the floor.[1]

* * *

"Another assignment?" Shido groans. He reminds me of Tsuzuki when he does that. My old partner will always look for ways out of duty, almost always ending in failure. Tatsumi nods curtly. He glances at the fax that has just arrived. "Reported deaths, though their souls have not arrived in Meifu. Should be a regular task for the both of you. However," he pauses. "The two of you are fairly new to the department. And you are both without the help of shikigami. I have discussed this with Kachou and he wants you, Hisoka, to seek out a shikigami you choose to command in GenSouKai, where all the shikigamis reside."  
  
I blink at him, trying to take this all in. Me, control a shikigami? That thought is so ludicrous that I almost choke. Then, another thought comes to mind. Tsuzuki is considered the highest ranking shinigami in Meifu because he controls 12 of the highest-order shikigamis. What has become of them? I speak out, "Tatumi-san, ano..." I stall, thinking of the choice of words. "What about the 12 shikigamis that Tsuzuki controls?" He pushes his glasses to his nose and gives me a pained look. "They all too reside in GenSouKai. Ever since..." he does not say it out loud but I know what he means. He continues, "They have not shown themselves. Since they only receive Tsuzuki's orders, we are not sure either on what to do with them. We do need their help to help us in our cases but as I said, Tsuzuki is the only one whom they will listen to."  
  
That does not quite answer my question. But I let it go seeing Tatsumi is not entirely keen on broaching the subject.  
  
"How am I going to go to GenSouKai?" I ask instead.  
  
He nods and smiles professionally. "Wakaba has the ability to open up the gateway to the shikigami world. She is a keeper of one of the gates to that realm, in case you didn't know."  
  
I blink some more.  
  
"Oh."  
  
He gathers his files briskly and speaks up again. "You will take as long as you need to find the shikigami of your choice. But I advise you this Hisoka, find one that will listen to you and treat the shikigami as you would your family. Respect him and he will respect you, therefore, will want to listen to you and you only." I nearly snort. How can I treat the shikigami as if he was my family when my own blood-related relatives treat me as if I am a monster? But I hold my tongue and nod anyway. I must say, Shido is looking at me right now in a mixture of envy and annoyance. I concentrate on my empathy and go past his shields. He is feeling rather left out.  
  
We all gather in Watari's lab, Terazuma included, and Wakaba proceeds to call the gatekeepers to the GenSouKai. Two rather strange looking bird- like creatures pop out, scaring me half to death. Wakaba merely grins and hugs them. Terazuma is pissed. I can feel it. She tells them the reason of me going into their world and they nod in approval. The two of them then chant some special prayers and I don't see anything anymore except for a bright white light.  
  
When the light fades, I gaze in awe at the majestic buildings that scatter all over the land. I walk towards the biggest one and stand there for a few minutes, admiring its architecture and majesty. As I walk through the giant gateway arching over the footpath, I wonder how the heck am I going to find a shikigami that will obey my every command.  
  
POW! I fall flat on my face as something rather furry and heavy lands on top of me. I groan in pain as I struggle to get up and look at my attacker. Oblivious to my suffering, the person says chirpily, "HISOKA!!!! IT'S YOU!" I try to get up again but I can't because his foot is on my back. My annoyance growing, I hiss, "Can you get off me first?" He must have realized because he jumps back and apologises profusely. Standing up properly, I wipe the dust off my pants and stare in awe at the stranger. He is rather wild looking with his hair all-over the place, and he has mini- fangs etched in his teeth. His hands and feet are furry and he has a....tail? He is beginning to resemble a cat to me.  
  
The stranger rolls his eyes as he hugs me and shouts happily. Strange, how he seems so cheerful on the outside, yet I can feel him hurting through my empathy skills. "I am Byakko you dummy!" he says, grinning. I take two steps back in shock. That... that is Byakko? He certainly does not look like the grand, fearsome tiger from the time Tsuzuki summoned him. I didn't know shikigami has human forms. Nobody told me anything about this. I realize he is hurting because Tsuzuki is gone and according to what Watari told me, unlike other shinigamis, the relationship between Tsuzuki and his shikigamis is a special one because he loves and cares for them and they do the same for him. He puts one furry arm around my neck as we walk into the grand hall.  
  
"How are things with you?" he asks, a tinge of worry lacing his words. I look at him wordlessly and I see the same pain in his eyes. The pain that I thought no one else felt. He nods, understanding me. He leads me to the hall and we sit down, talking. "Suzaku and the others are shut up inside. They refuse to come out. I tried persuading them to no avail. I do understand their feelings though," he says sadly. I keep quiet as I take in a sense of comfort that there are actually people, well not really people, who feels the same way as I do. He rambles on, sorrow apparent in his every word. "We are bound to the contract to protect our master whenever danger arises. We have failed doing so. And we miss him. I miss him," he choked, sounding very gruff all of a sudden, kind of like how a cat would sound if it could talk. I sit in silence because I realize no amount of consoling would do the trick. I want to tell him I share his pain. So I say quietly "You wonder how much he really cares about you because he left so easily."  
  
He looks at me, nodding solemnly. "He did not even say goodbye to me..." he stares at the cool marble floors dejectedly. We do not talk for a while, taking in comfort in silence from each other. Then, he pipes up. "Well, what are you doing here?" I tell him my reasons for being in his world and he looks impressed. "You better be careful," he warns me. "There are some scary people in here that you should not mess with. And whatever you do, try to avoid Soh Rhyu, also one of Tsuzuki's shikigamis. He can be rather intimidating to strangers in this land, not to mention, dangerous."  
  
I shiver, suddenly afraid. I don't really feel like hunting for a prospect shikigami now. Hopefulness and hesitancy suddenly jolt through my body. Realising that they are foreign emotions, I turn to look at Byakko. His eyes are shining. He says, "Why don't you use me?" I look at him dumbly. "Huh?" I ask. He looks at me hopefully. "Why don't you take me as your shikigami?"  
  
I hesitated. "But you are Tsuzuki's ..." He looks down again. "He's gone now," he says in a small voice. Then he speaks cheerily again, "It'll be fun. And I get to protect you. And we know each other quite well already so it will be a blast!" The more I thought about it, the better his idea seem to become. Why not indeed? With Byakko as my shikigami, everything would be much easier to handle. Plus, he makes a good friend. I nod happily. He squeals in delight, kind of like how Tsuzuki acts when he sees sweets and glomps onto me. I shove him off and cast murderous eyes on him. He backs away, "Now, now master..." God, I miss Tsuzuki....  
  
He tells me stories about Tsuzuki, about the times they had together, how he would always be the first one to meet Tsuzuki whenever he comes to GenSouKai to visit his shikigamis, when they first met, until I fall asleep on his lap. Byakko is much wiser and older than me, but I still get the creeps when he is in his human form because he looks a lot younger than he actually is then. I bid him goodbye later in the evening and head off to the gates to re enter the normal world.

* * *

Byakko smiles softly at the fading silhouette of Hisoka as he reentered his own world. He looks towards the heavens and whispers, "I hope I did you proud Tsuzuki. I might not have been able to protect you but I will do my best to protect Hisoka. That's what you want, isn't it? Be at peace." He turns around and walks into the grand hall to inform the news to his fellow shikigami. They aren't going to be happy about this.

* * *

Author's notes : Hope you liked it. Don't worry, I won't kill Tsuzuki for long (hehe) can't bear to anyways, I go weak at the sight of him in inu- mode. About Tsuzuki's shinigamis, they have their own 'world' where they reside in which by the way, is in Watari's network in the computers =O. And they have human forms too.  
  
[1]: Well, I apologise if the terms are wrong but I think shinai means the bamboo stick they use to practice for kendo. Does hisoka practice kendo anyways or some kind of other martial arts TT. its sooo confusing.  
  
Read and review please!!  
  
Sank you to **SapphireDragon, jerricab, ola, klyukaizer, seichii, dream-eater- is-hungry, Midnight Phantom, and tangerine-asuka**. (hugs all around ) 


	3. Chapter3

**Why did you Leave Me?**

**Chapter 3**

**

* * *

**

"I will not allow it!" A furious-looking Suzaku exclaimed. Byakko waved his hands wildly to try to calm her down in vain. "This is preposterous. Have you no loyalty to your master, Byakko? Are you insane?" She ranted on for twenty minutes before Byakko stopped her by shaking her shoulders.  
  
"I know it sounds crazy but, Tsuzuki would have approved."  
  
She crossed her hands over her chests and pursed her lips. "How could you have known?" she hissed.  
  
Byakko said calmly, "It's Hisoka. Why wouldn't he approve? I have my reasons for doing this nee-san, and it's in Tsuzuki's interests at heart."  
  
"You only receive orders as a shikigami. That is your duty. You don't make decisions, you receive them."  
  
"Receive orders from WHO?"  
  
"Tsuzuki!"  
  
"He's gone!"  
  
Suzaku shut up at this point and looked like she is on the verge of breaking down. The man took a deep breath and laid a hand on her shoulders in consolation. "I know it's hard for you to accept this, nee-san, but Tsuzuki is gone."  
  
The woman finally broke down and sobbed in Byakko's comforting arms. "It's all my fault," she wailed. "I shouldn't have killed that girl. He lost it after that."  
  
"You were only fulfilling the terms of the contract and your love for your master to protect Tsuzuki at all costs. It is not your fault, nee-san. Don't ever think that," Byakko said gently, caressing her hair. He continued, "I know Tsuzuki will not be at peace unless Hisoka is safe. I want to do this for him. Hisoka is not doing well at all, I can tell. And it's the least I can do for Tsuzuki, to look after Hisoka for him."  
  
Suzaku sobbed even harder and cried out in between her sniffles, "The others won't approve either, especially Soh Ryu."  
  
At this, Byakko smiled, "I cannot change their minds if they disapprove but they will not change mine either. I am only doing what I see fit. For both Tsuzuki and Hisoka."  
  
Suzaku smiled in between her tears at Byakko's determination. "You know, I admire you."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Actually doing something and not sitting around moping like the rest of us are doing."  
  
A corner of Byakko's mouth lifted a little as he digested her words. "It doesn't mean I hurt any lesser, nee-san. We twelve are Tsuzuki's pride. You know that. He said it many times before. That is why he will not blame you for what has happened. If anything, Tsuzuki blames himself the most."  
  
"But...if I did not kill that girl..."  
  
"I told you. You were only doing what you thought was right."  
  
Suzaku kept quiet. She looked a sight to behold, a powerful and commanding shikigami, but a broken one. She sat down beside Byakko and they stared together at the slipping sunset in silence. When the moon and stars strung themselves across the skies, Byakko stood up. "Well, nee-san, I have to be going now. I promised Hisoka to train with him tomorrow and—"  
  
"What is this I hear? You, stepping into another allegiance without consulting us? This is an insult, Byakko!"  
  
Byakko and Suzaku both whipped around to see a furious-looking Soh Ryu and an apparently indifferent Touda standing beside him. Anger was apparent in the older man's face and he growled dangerously. "Speak, traitor!"  
  
Byakko retorted, albeit a little huffed. "Since when do you decide which side I turn to, Soh Yru-sama? And I am not a traitor. We are all on the same bank of the river."  
  
"You betrayed Tsuzuki."  
  
"How can I betray him when I am only doing what he wishes me to do?"  
  
"I will not sit back and allow this to happen—"  
  
Byakko is irritated this time and he stood up abruptly and stomped to where the other two were standing. "I am protecting Hisoka for Tsuzuki. How is that wrong?"  
  
Soh Ryu raised an eyebrow. "Since when is Hisoka that important to Tsuzuki?"  
  
Byakko rolled his eyes. "Appparently, you haven't been around much. Hisoka is the only partner Tsuzuki has had that did not resign. I mean, he lasted more than a year. That alone, is proof that they aren't mere partners!"  
  
Soh Ryu huffed and crossed his arms across his chest, unable to say anything more. Touda, taking the whole scene in, turned on his heel and walked away. Byakko called after him. "Oi, Touda."  
  
The man turned around, showing no expression but he looked rough on the edges, having to be the one to kill his master. Byakko said softly, "Don't blame it on yourself."  
  
Touda hesitated. His mechanical-looking arms hung limp at his sides and he stared at Byakko for a very long time before walking off without saying a word.

* * *

**Hisoka's POV**I cannot count the days that have passed. Maybe three weeks or so since Tsuzuki died. I am not sure. Maybe four. The days pass by in a blurry haze and at such a routine manner that I cannot tell the difference. Each day, I do the same thing. I drag myself out of bed-usually an hour late, which is strange because I am never late-and head off to work and bury myself in the amount paperwork that Tatsumi gives me. After work, Shido would walk me home, Watari will come by for dinner and sometimes Tatsumi joins us, and they will always leave by ten o'clock. Then, I would be all alone and that is when my nightmares come to haunt me.  
  
My nightmares differ every single night. But they all have one thing in common : Tsuzuki. Some nights, I would watch him walk away from me, smiling and saying goodbye in a cheery manner, some nights, he would be crying and asking me why didn't I stop him, some nights, I would relive the events of when he disappeared in Touda's flames. I would always wake up, gasping for breath and sweating, but the tears would never come because there aren't any left in me.  
  
The rest of them have noticed me gradually withdrawing into my little shell. I have rebuilt the walls which were partially broken down during my stint as Tsuzuki's partner. This way, nobody gets hurt. It isn't worth learning to care when all you get in return is pain. I should have known that a long time ago. I was taught that as a little boy. You think they would have drilled that thought into my brains. The only people that I allow to have a semblance of a normal conversation with me are Watari and occasionally when I am not angry with him, Tatsumi.  
  
Shido is a cheerful person by nature and the whole department has grown adapted to him and his friendly manner. He is like Tsuzuki in some areas. He would find ways to slack off from work but during assignments, he is always serious. I wonder about his past but I refrain myself from getting too close to him. Who knows, he might go away some day too. He has learnt, however, to keep his distance from me because I have pointed out that I don't wish for any close ties in more ways than one.  
  
Watari have told me over the nights that he had spent at my house having dinner, that I resembled a zombie to him. If only I have the guts to tell him that I can't allow myself to feel anymore. The moment I open my heart, I would probably cry my heart out and collapse from the pain it causes me.  
  
I'm tired. Tired of feeling. Tired of crying. Tired of just existing.  
  
But I trudge on, day after day, and the only thing keeping me sane is to be an empty shell. It doesn't hurt at all like this. You just feel...nothing. And the lack of emotions is a blessed relief to the rollercoaster ride I have been enduring through the first few days of Tsuzuki's departure. Somehow, I have managed to put my shields up so high that I don't feel anybody else's emotions anymore. My mind is a blank oasis, the emptiness and the vastness of the space in it a welcome relief.  
  
It is only when I suffer from the nightmares that I actually feel something. And that is when it hurts the most- when the intensity of the emotions hits me full-force and I wake up, reeling from the after-effects and feeling so lonely and lost.  
  
I have stopped going over to Tsuzuki's house for comfort. I figured that I should stop hoping for something that would never return and then perhaps, my nightmares would go away. I am only fooling myself, of course. The nightmares will never go. So, I have resolved to other means.  
  
Ever since they approved of Byakko being my shikigami after we passed all the compatibility tests and all, every night, after my nightmare, I would summon him, and he will accompany me to sleep. He understands my feelings without me ever having to explain why or how, and he just lets me go to sleep in his arms, promising to keep watch. Keep watch on what, I do not know. But it is comforting.  
  
Tonight is the same as always. I wake up, sweating profusely from my current demons, and reach into my pockets for a fuda to summon the tiger- god.  
  
He leaps out gracefully from nothingness, and greets me as usual. "Hello, Hisoka," he growls, in his animal avatar and pads over to my bed.  
  
"Hey," I say wearily, sweat still dripping off my forehead. Every night he pops up, and every night I would apologize for summoning him for resuming the role as babysitter.  
  
"I'm sorry," I say. "I just...I just needed to rest."  
  
He nods, never questioning, just plain understanding on his part. He scoops me up using his enormous paws and cuddles me close to his chest, his warm fur inviting sleep. I wiggle around trying to find a comfortable spot and fall asleep almost immediately. "Thank you," I would whisper, into his fur.  
  
He would then ruffle my hair with a huge paw, and growl, "It's okay, Hisoka. Go to sleep. I'll keep watch." And the nightmares won't come anymore until the next night.

* * *

"I want you two to investigate this case. There are three victims, all of them believed to be related because of the way they were murdered. Two of them are women, and the latest victim is believed to be a boy into his early teens," Tatsumi explains, pushing three pictures across the table towards Shido and I.  
  
I nod blankly, looking at the photographs.  
  
They have been murdered in the most gruesome way possible. It looked as if the murderer was taking his time killing them slowly, drawing every last drop of blood from their bodies. The body of each victim has been cut in many different areas, and their organs removed and put aside carefully, but not taken away. Then, the bodies were hanged from a tree, leaving a gory display to the public the next day.  
  
The boy, was also given the same treatment, but as Tatsumi explained, his genitals were also removed, making them believe that it was a possibility that he had been raped.  
  
The blood in my veins ran cold as a thought struck me. The way the victims were killed were eerily similar to the victims from the Kyoto case. If that is so, then the culprit must be...  
  
I slam my fists on the table, startling all of them. Not looking up, I say in a low voice, "Tatsumi-san, is there a possibility that this is related to the Kyoto case in any way? If so, then the culprit..." I leave my sentence unfinished. But I'm pretty sure they know what I mean.  
  
I look at his face for his reaction. He glances at Kachou meaningfully and then the both of them look my way. "We have thought it was possible," Tatsumi explains, pushing his glasses up. "However," he continues, "We do not have any proof that the culprit is indeed Muraki. And besides, what is his motive now for killing more people? The last time around, he wanted to use Tsuzuki-san's body as a means to relive his half-brother so he can personally kill him. The laboratory then would have been destroyed completely due to the intense heat of Touda's fire. Therefore, there isn't any reason for Muraki to..."  
  
"Do you think Muraki needs a reason to kill?" I piped up quietly. Shido looks fearfully at me hearing the steel in my voice.  
  
Then, I realize he has a hand on my arm in a small form of consolation as he spoke aloud his thoughts. Weird. I don't feel a thing coming from him. "Can't you ask another pair of shinigami to work on this case?"  
  
Kachou pursed his lips as he reasoned that everyone was busy on duty now and he would not have asked me to go on the case. Great. Now he thinks I'm a wimp. I stand up abruptly and head towards the door. "We'll get on it straightaway, Kachou," I speak without looking back. Suddenly, there is a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from going further. I stop and look back.  
  
It is Tatsumi. He says, "Kurosaki-kun, don't you feel anything?"  
  
I blink at him before I realize he is referring to my empathy. I shake my head and say shortly, "No. And I'm glad to be rid of it."  
  
Now, he looks shocked. I wonder why. My empathy was always, always a nuisance to me in the past anyway. It hurts when you can read people's minds of what they think about you, as in the case of my parents, I felt nothing but hate coming from them. From Tsuzuki, I felt guilt, pain and remorse and a lot of other things that he manages to hide from me. I asked him once, that it wasn't fair he knows so much about me and in turn, I know almost nothing. He had said then that if telling the truth meant rejection from us all, he would rather not say anything at all. But doesn't trust me enough to share his pain with me? I don't think so.  
  
To put it plainly, that sucks. Now, I feel nothing. And that, is better than feeling anything at all.  
  
"C'mon, Shido," I call to my partner. He comes walking after me and we teleport off to investigate, taking one of the Gushoushin twins as our guide.

* * *

"Tatsumi is so mean," Shido sulks, trying to make space on the floor for his mat. "Another cheap inn to stay in," he mutters under his breath.  
  
I allow a ghost of a smile to appear on my face.  
  
Gushoushin is sitting in a corner, typing furiously on his laptop. Shido walks over and sits beside him, wanting to know all the details of the case. As Gushoushin briefs him, I look over the pictures again and then my mind start to wander. I wonder what was the boy thinking when he was raped by that bastard. I wonder about his family. Did they love him? Or was he shunned and locked up just like I was? Did he take that one chance of freedom, when he saw the sakura tree and that person who looked like an angel descended from the sky?  
  
The walls of the room close in on me as I imagine the innocent boy walking out for a breath of fresh air. Was he like me too, not knowing the meaning of love, not knowing how to care for other people? Did his parents shower him with love and kindness, instead of cruelty and hostility? Did they even let him out at all?  
  
I flinch in my chair, snapped out of my daydream as I felt the touch of someone. I look up into my partner's eyes. "Are you okay, 'Soka?" he asks gently, with all the kindness as would an older brother or a father.  
  
"Aaa.." was the only answer I could give as I try to relax in my chair. God, I feel so tired. Shido must have noticed because he doesn't allow me to look at the files anymore and instruct me to sleep. I almost feel guilty. How can I be so cold to him, and yet, he still shows the same kindness and compassion? Why is he so selfless, just like that guy?  
  
I do not protest any further as I sink gratefully into my mat and fall into a deep sleep, filled with nasty dreams of Tsuzuki leaving me in various ways. Just a minute more and then I'll wake up, I tell my brain in mid- slumber.  
  
Just a minute more.

* * *

"Gushoushin, can you tell me more about this Tsuzuki guy? I have been Hisoka's partner for almost a month now and I don't know anything about the either of them. Hisoka always seem so distant and cold towards me, yet I feel no malice from him. I take it that this Tsuzuki person is very important?" Shido asks the blue-haired bird who looks up at him, brows furrowed.  
  
I open one eye, careful not to let them know I am awake.  
  
"Yeah," Gushoushin chirped. "Tsuzuki-san was the only partner Hisoka-kun has ever had before you. So they were quite close. Hisoka-kun wasn't like this before. He had learnt to open up a little but now, he isn't quite acting like himself. Who can blame him, the poor boy. He is only just a child. And when he died, he was barely thirteen so of course he doesn't have any experiences of being a proper teenager. Actually the whole department loved Tsuzuki very much. He had served..." Gushoushin rambled on and on.  
  
I squeezed my eye shut and try to block out his rant. I'm not a child. But why do I feel like one? So helpless, being so dependent on that one person, unable to do anything to help anybody...  
  
I have to be strong. I must show everyone that I'm perfectly capable of handling things on my own even though I'm only fooling myself so far.  
  
I pass the night by counting sheep-I reach until two thousand and thirty- six- before sleep embraces me. It isn't long before I wake up again and summon Byakko quietly outside the room and spend the rest of the night in his comforting arms.

* * *

"There is a laboratory situated in this town but it is not a definite lead. Since we practically have nothing to follow up from, I think we should check it out anyway," Shido mumbles, a stack of papers filled with information on one hand, and a half-eaten donut on the other. He coughs out bits of crumbly donut pieces, leaving Gushoushin to squeal in disgust. I merely frown at the gesture and instead focus on what he is saying.  
  
"Do you know where the laboratory is situated? I ask my partner. He shakes his head cluelessly at me, biting off another chunk of that donut.  
  
"By the way," he says. "What the heck were you doing outside the room this morning?"  
  
I freeze, like a deer caught in between headlights. "Wh...what?" I gape.  
  
"This morning," he says. "You were sleeping outside. You looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you."  
  
I start to tremble and mutter some nonsense hoping to throw him off. He just stares wryly at me and I know that he suspects something is up but there is no way I want anyone to know that I have to sleep in the arms of Byakko every night just to keep myself sane and free of my demons.  
  
I'm lucky he doesn't push the subject.  
  
We head off to the lab right after Gushoushin tracked the place down using his laptop and additional information from his twin in JuOChoh.

* * *

I stare up at the miserable building looking back forlornly at me. Its walls were badly in need of a fresh coat of paint, and it looked as if, no one has entered its quarters for a very long time. I wrinkle my nose in distaste. "Are you sure this is the place?"  
  
Frankly, Muraki is a psycho but he isn't exactly a slob. Somehow, he manages to do his job-if you could call it that- professionally and neatly. This building is anything but the picture of neat. He isn't afraid to show himself up at proper respectable places so why the hell did he choose this dump?  
  
My doubts start to grow as we walk nearer and nearer to its entrance. "Are you really sure???" I ask as Shido confirmed by last question. He nods again this time and says, a tad annoyed, "Ask Gushoushin. He is the one that checked it out and he is rarely wrong."  
  
He got me there.  
  
I protest no further as we reach its ancient brown door. It was originally red but it turned murky after three layers of dust. Shido hesitantly tries the door knob. It opens with a loud creaking groan, causing the three of us to jump.  
  
An inky black darkness awaits us as we stare into the door.  
  
"Well," I say a little shakily. "After you."  
  
Shido tries to calm himself down and after a shake of his shoulders, he forcefully strides in, followed by a nervous Gushoushin  
  
I take a deep breath, gulp and walk into the empty darkness.  
  
t.b.c

* * *

A/U : I don't really like this chapter v much that's why I took so long to write it down :(. Partly cause I want tsuzuki back as soon as possible but I can't just drop him back on hisoka's lap so suddenly. Sigh. Maybe next chapter. Anyhow, review please :)  
  
A big big thank you to my reviewers : **Roxane1, jerricab, serene-ai, not so innocent bystander, SapphireDragon, JJ, Sagami Senko, Strega and ethereal-tenshi**  
I love all your reviews :D. they are so encouraging and helpful and it well, makes me write faster too. Sometimes ;P. i know i suck at updating. muax, thank you all.

**JJ** : thanx for the helpful questions . Ano, I didn't realize that bout muraki's brother and the name. must have been confusing to read. Gomen gomen! Would probably change his name when I finish writing the whole thing. I guess I was too lazy to write about brakko's and hisoka's compatibility test for one another I fit it all in a sentence --;;. Hehehe ;D.  
  
**Sagami Senko**: Thanks for the helpful comments. Yeap, I did read your vvv long review and realize my mistakes :) especially the parts about having two diff dialogues in one paragraph. I changed it in this chap. Thank you! 


	4. Chapter4

Chapter 4

Why did you Leave Me?

* * *

"So, are you satisfied now?" Enma Daioh asked sternly to a trembling shinigami, looking a bit, uh, disheveled.The room was dark, and empty, save for a rather majestic looking table made of old oak. There was a stack of papers on the corner, probably information about the souls that pass through Meifu every day. It was a bit ironic to see the powerful and divine Enma Daioh sit behind the table and slack through all the paper work like an ordinary working man. The walls were a deep crimson red, giving off a cosy impression, even though it was rather barren of anything else. And Tsuzuki had half-thought, from all the old wife's tales he had heard as a child, that when you die, you would receive your judgement in an eerie-green themed room lit with roaring fire and a fearsome God telling your fate. This somehow seems so...normal.  
  
And he was quite clueless as to what had happened so far. He knew he tried to take his own life but that hadn't happened either because if it did, his soul would have turned to dust and nothingness and scattered all over Meifu.  
  
Tsuzuki nodded softly to Enma's telling off, his eyes withdrawn. "It's for the best, isn't it? I made a decision."   
  
"A rash one, without thinking of the consequences." 

Tsuzuki flushed, looking down at his feet. Somehow, this second death was not what he had deemed to be. He was summoned from whichever place his soul-rather burnt, he would add- had been residing in and brought personally to Enma Daioh.

And he was quite clueless as to what had happened so far. He knew he tried to take his own life, but that hadn't happened either because if it did, his soul would have turned to dust by now and scattered all over Meifu into nothingness.  
  
Enma sighed. He stared at Tsuzuki long and hard before speaking again. The powerful shinigami looked vulnerable and weary. His shoulders were slump, and his normally cheerful demeanor replaced with a totally resigned aura. He knew Tsuzuki had a soft heart, from the monthly reports Kachou gave him, he knew that the oldest shinigami of their division didn't take well to deaths.

Being insanely cheerful and goofy was just a mask to hide away all the pain Tsuzuki felt and the other side of him that he did not wish for anyone to know. Least of all Hisoka. Maybe it wasn't really fair of him but he did not have the courage to really let anyone peek into his past. He was scared, that if they knew, they would all turn and walk away from him. Just like the other kids did when they ran away, terrified of him, when he was a child. His colleagues had said they would not mind about his past, after all, every shinigami had his or her own dark stories to tell, which was precisely why they could not detach themselves from the world, but Tsuzuki was genuinely scared.

How ironic, Tsuzuki mused. I am the one running away from everyone now.

Despite all that, Enma Daioh had no intention of letting Tsuzuki go. Tsuzuki was their best shinigami in all of history, and although he would rather hang himself that admit it openly to the brown-haired man, Enma realized he needed to make Tsuzuki stay. "Since you, Tsuzuki, happen to be our best shinigami for over 70 years, I hope I have done the right thing by saving your soul. I won't stop you from moving on but we would prefer if you stayed."

Tsuzuki's head snapped up. He looked confused and muttered, "–saving my soul?"

"Yes, you owe Hakushaku-sama your life, or your afterworld-life, so to speak. He snuffed out your candle a moment before Touda's flames completely engulfed you and degenerated your soul."

So, they had intervened. Each shinigami was assigned a candle of life, even after death, and it wasn't much of a difference from normal people living on Earth, except that, the candle burns out after a while, signalling the death of a normal person.

Hakushaku-sama must have relit his candle of life after snuffing it out and saving his soul from the black flames.

He cringed a little at the thought of Hakushaku-sama. The lord was such a pervert that Tsuzuki shuddered to think what he would do to make Tsuzuki"return the favour" if he was back working in Meifu again.

Tsuzuki's mouth remained open as he continued to stare at Enma.

"Don't look so surprised," Enma snapped irritably. "What gives you the right to take away your soul as you wish? I give out the command," he said sternly.

Tsuzuki's cheeks turned a bright pink and he reverted his gaze back to his shoes. Hmm, it's been a while since he'd wash them. Hisoka was always complaining he was lazy and he supposed there was an ounce of truth to it.  
  
Enma sighed again. "Tsuzuki," he said with a level of gentleness this time. "I know you've been through a lot. It's okay if you want to move on. But you just want to drop everything just like that?"  
  
Tsuzuki looked up again before answering hesitantly, almost scared. "They are doing fine, right?"  
  
Enma ignored him. He clasped and unclasped his hands.  
  
"If I am not there... everything will be okay again right? So many have died because of me..." Tsuzuki stared miserably at the ceiling. Memories flashed in his mind. Every partner leaving him, not getting close enough to really know him, Tatsumi telling him that he is no longer his partner anymore...

_"I'm sorry, Tsuzuki-san.I will not be working with you on this case..."_

He remembered his instant panick. He knew instantly what was going to happen. It had happened many times before. He remembered hoping beyond hope that Tatsumi wasn't going to tell him those dreaded words. And so, he replied,

_"Ah, that's fine. It's a piece of cake, anyway."_

_The rushed, choking feeling that engulfed him afterwords, waiting for Tatsumi's answer. Closing his eyes, Tsuzuki added, "Maybe, next time..." _

_**Please, no..**_

_"I will not be going with you."_

_The dreaded words echoed in his ears. So, this was it. And he had hoped Tatsumi would be the one among the many that could bear with him._

_The cruel words bore a deep hole in his heart._

_"Not next time, not after that either...."_

_What could he do? It wasn't as if he did not expect this. Everyday, he feared Tatsumi would walk away from him. Everyday, he grew closer to the blue-eyed shinigami and everyday the fear grew stronger._

_It finally happened. Guess Tatsumi couldn't stand him any longer._

_Forcing a bright cheery smile on his face, he pretended that nothing was wrong. That he was used to it. _

_"Oh, really?"_

_He knew Tatsumi saw through his facade, he was never good at hiding his hurt, no matter how hard he tried. But, it was over. The partnership was over._

_"Tsuzuki-san..." Tatsumi said worriedly. He saw the flash of hurt in Tsuzuki's eyes._

_Tsuzuki knew he had to get out of there before the tears came. He understood. Really. He was detestable, of course nobody wanted to stay long enough with him._

_Wringing his hands wildly, he said, smiling, "It's allright. It's okay. I understand. I'm used to this kind of thing..."_

_**Why...am i that hateful to be with?**_

_He bowed, as a formal goodbye, a last testament to their partnership. "I'm sorry for troubling you, Tatsumi-san."_

_**I'm sorry. It's all my fault.**_

_Even so, he still held an ounce of hope that Tatsumi would perhaps change his mind. _

_"Thanks, Tsuzuki-san."_

_They shook hands._

_It's over._

_He walked off hurriedly, his back turned, head bowed.He didn't want to see the sympathy _in Tatsumi's eyes. How many times did he see that look, on all his past partners' faces when they told him the same thing and then left, just like that, leaving him alone to wonder why was he so annoying, and hateful, that no one wanted to stay long enough with him?_  
_

_Yet another one gone..._

"And how many lived?"  
  
"Huh?" Tsuzuki asked, snapped out of his daydream.  
  
Enma grunted, annoyed. "Tsuzuki, we didn't keep you as our shinigami for more than 70 years for nothing. As painful as it is to take away lives, think about how many you have prevented from dying. I can only emphasize that none of the deaths are your fault, they are part and parcel of your job, Tsuzuki, but I cannot will your heart to realize that yourself."  
  
"But..."  
  
"I understand."  
  
Tsuzuki kept quiet, preffering the silence to be his answer.  
  
"You don't want to live anymore, is that it? " Enma said softly, smiling a little at his shinigami that he regarded as a son. He wanted Tsuzuki to stay but if he was that determined, Enma decided to let him move on. He loved Tsuzuki to some degree, but if he was this determined to go, he couldn't do anything either.  
  
Tsuzuki simply looked back down to the floor. "Enma-sama, I have a request." His decision was made. His presence has only served to hurt those he love and care about. It would be better if he left. It would fix things.  
  
"Before I go, I want to know how Tatsumi and the rest are doing."  
  
Enma nodded solemnly. He waved a hand, and almost magically, out of the air, a shimmery glowing pool formed, where he could see what his ex- comrades were up to. Tsuzuki smiled affectionately at the scene where Watari blew up another one of his countless experiments and Tatsumi telling off the staff for overspending.  
  
"He he..." Tsuzuki laughed, managing to sound somehow sad and nostalgic at the same time. "I'm going to miss them," he said in a small voice.  
  
The shimmering pool turned back once again into nothingness. Tsuzuki's eyes widened and he turned back to the deity. "What about Hisoka? Is he okay? I'm his first partner. Are you sure he can handle things by himself? I mean, I know he can, Hisoka is tough but..."  
  
"I'm worried about him," Enma said quietly. 

_**Hisoka.**_  
  
The shinigami rushed to the deity's table and slammed his hands full- force onto the smooth surface. "How is Hisoka doing?"

The papers on the corner of the table ruffled a little before settling down again.

Without another word, the pool in the air shimmered once more and after a few moments, Hisoka's face became clearer and clearer.  
  
"Hisoka!!" Tsuzuki squealed happily, as if the emerald-eyed boy could hear him. His smile, however, quickly turn into a worried frown, as he noticed Hisoka wasn't being his normal, indifferent, glaring, mean self- at least, mean to Tsuzuki, anyway. His eyes were glassy, and he looked several pounds thinner. His orange shirt seemed to be hanging off his already tiny frame. He cried out in horror when he saw his young partner being comforted by Watari, the resident mad-scientist, after fainting in the workplace. Is Hisoka sick? Why is he so... broken?  
  
"Enma-sama, is Hisoka sick?"  
  
The deity glared at him. Tsuzuki felt somewhat stupid, feeling that he ought to know why his partner was being so depressed. Maybe Hisoka... maybe Hisoka was upset because he was gone!  
  
"Is Hisoka upset because I left?" Tsuzuki asked, trembing a little over his words. An overwhelming sense of guilt filled his heart. Wasn't Hisoka the one and only partner who had stayed by his side for so long, when the rest of them left, too many for Tsuzuki to even remember their names? And there he was moping over the time when Tatsumi left him.....

Hisoka was the only one tolerant of him enough to stay, even after he knew and saw the darkness kept tightly leashed within Tsuzuki's heart.  
  
All the memories of Hisoka flooded back into Tsuzuki's mind. Hisoka comforting him after Muraki killed that girl. Hisoka wiping away his tears, assuring him that he was human, Hisoka crying in his arms after Tsubaki-hime was killed, Hisoka pointing the gun at him the first time they met, Hisoka calling him 'baka' after the countless times he turned up late for work...  
  
Hisoka was the only one who cared enough about him to stay by his side and now, he betrayed that trust by leaving him.  
  
"Now you know why I asked you to think about the consequences for your actions?" Enma asked gently, jolting him out of his thoughts.

The realisation that he had done the same thing to Hisoka like he had been hurt so badly in the past hit him like a rock.

"You think that the rest can do very well without you but you are wrong. You are important to them, Tsuzuki, not just as your skills as a shinigami, but as a friend. You left, without wondering how they would feel if you did."  
  
Tsuzuki felt the wetness in his eyes. "I didn't know," he hiccupped.  
  
Enma sighed for the umpteenth time that morning and walked over to his shinigami. "I am not accepting your decision to move on, yet. You still have a few things left in your heart to resolve." And with that and a fatherly pet on Tsuzuki's shoulders, the deity disappeared, leaving the shinigami alone with the pool.  
  
And there Tsuzuki sat for countless days, watching over Hisoka. His heart was filled with unbearable guilt as he watched his partner jolt awake every night and then cry silently over his nightmares. After a few days, Tsuzuki realized the tears stopped. Hisoka looked as if he didn't have any more emotions in him. He resembled a doll, beautiful to look at, but empty. The guilt doubled as Tsuzuki watched Hisoka gradually crawled back to his old, cold self, back when he first met him.  
  
The pool not only showed Hisoka, it also showed him his beloved shikis. Tsuzuki felt more and more miserable as the days went by as he realized that they weren't taking it well either. Soh Ryu was becoming more and more snappy, and all was wise to keep out of his way. Touda refused to talk to anybody and Tsuzuki was sure he was blaming himself. Suzaku had fits-sometimes, she would be insanely calm, and other times, she would burst into tears. The others, well Tsuzuki couldn't tell coz they were busy trying to comfort the ones that were going mad from misery. His heart, however surged with pride and affection when he saw Byakko trying to patch things up. He was glad, at least Byakko would help increase a sense of security in Hisoka, even if it was only temporary.  
  
Through the all-seeing pool, now, Hisoka was in a warehouse, alongside his new partner they had assigned him, Shido Fujisaki. Tsuzuki eyed Shido with scrutiny, his brows hunched, and his eyes glaring, as if to say "You better keep a good watch on Hisoka, or else." Hisoka looked distressed. That only served to increase his worry.  
  
Is something wrong?

* * *

Hisoka's POV  
  
The interior of the warehouse differed immensely from the exterior. It wasn't begging to have another coat of paint nor was it crying out to be demolished. Quite the contrary. Sleek metallic walls run through out the corridor, resembling some kind of a warped spaceship or a surgery room of a hospital.  
  
The eeriness feel about the place makes my blood run cold as my footsteps echoed loudly, mirroring Shido's despite the fact that we both tried to be as quiet as possible. He said it was not worth teleporting since we don't even know the layout of the place and whether or not Muraki was behind all this nonsense although, I am willing to bet all of my socks that, that cold bastard, is definitely involved, somehow.  
  
My breaths come out ragged as I try to calm myself down, preparing myself for the onslaught of Muraki. I can hear my heart pounding and for a while, I thought it was some other noise but the fast, rhythmic pace proved otherwise after a while.  
  
Nearing a mechanical door, I hesitate. "Ano...Shido" I whisper, but the vastness of the corridor only served to magnify what I said until it sounded like I was booming. I wince, as if that would correct my actions.  
  
Shido stops, one hand on the door, turning behind, looking quizzically at me. "Hisoka?" he asks. "Are you ready?"  
  
After a momentary pause, I nod again. Gushoushin squeaks and trembles but otherwise, keeps his yellow beak shut.  
  
Shido smiles encouragingly, hoping to give me a small ounce of comfort, before he opens the door. It glides open smoothly, without so much of a creak.  
  
I gulp. And then I walk in, Shido at my heels, after standing aside to let me pass through.  
  
It is empty.  
  
I sigh-either relieved that the room is empty, or disappointed for not finding Muraki there. I scan the room, hoping for a clue, that could lead us to him.   
  
Rusty surgery tools clutter the floor at the centre of the room, leaving me to my imaginations of what the menacing looking tools could be used as. A table heavily laden with half-finished chemical experiments ran along two walls, collecting layers of dust on the numerous test-tubes and various glassware. At the far corner of the room, there was another door.  
  
I stride over forcefully to it, as if it will make the increasing trepidation in my heart go away. Using my right hand, I force the door open. What I see in the next room horrifies me beyond my belief.  
  
I don't know how long I stood there, jaw slacked, beads of sweat running down my forehead, and my trembling hands gripping the door handle tightly, trying to keep myself steady. I knew all along Muraki was involved somehow. I just wasn't prepared for this. The actions that the man is actually capable of committing.  
  
Lying on the cold metal table in the middle of the room is a young boy, barely 13, naked and shivering, but no sound escapes his mouth.  
  
The only thing that was echoing from the bare walls is Muraki's cruel taunting voice, as he stroked the boy's hand gently, a gurgling laughter echoing from his throat. In his other hand is a knife. That did it for me, realizing what he is about to do- exactly what he did to me, three years ago.  
  
In contrast to the other room that I just exited, this room is empty except for the operating table in which the boy was laying down upon.  
  
I am not sure but I think I screamed, startling both the boy and Muraki. The boy looks into my eyes and I see hope, fear and desperation all rolled into his pleading gaze. My determination to save him increases.  
  
"My, my, isn't this a nice surprise?" Muraki drawled. He smiled gently, just as a father would, to the boy lying in fear on the table. "I guess you'd just have to wait a little longer to die, boy."  
  
His grin widens as he turns his attention to me.  
  
"My beautiful doll, what brings you here?"  
  
The anger restrained in me was let out. "Muraki," I hiss, with all contempt and hate I could muster. "Let him go," I say, my words laced with unspoken promises of making that psycho pay for what he has done.  
  
"Now, now, why spoil my fun?" Muraki smiles again, pushing his glasses up to his nose. His previous inclination is forgotten as he seems more interested in me. He drops the knife, and walks over. Shido must be terrified because I am hearing squeaks from behind.  
  
As his form draws nearer and nearer, I tell myself not to move from the spot. This doesn't faze him, in fact, it seemed as if his admiration for me is growing. "Why, Hisoka, have you gotten braver? That is certainly a surprise. I thought you would be a broken man after your beloved partner left you."  
  
That struck a nerve. I block out images of Tsuzuki grinning goofily from my mind and realize something. He is calling me by my first name. That is odd.  
  
He continues, talking smoothly, paying no attention to Gushoushin nor Shido. "You look thinner," he commented lightly. "I guess you were grieving, ne?"  
  
I glare at him, but not uttering a word. Maybe I can't find the words to tell him how much I relish to drive a knife into his body, tainting his beautiful silver-white skin. Or maybe I am too scared to even say anything.  
  
He continues approaching stealthily, and with each step he takes, the squeaks behind me grows louder and louder.  
  
Finally he stops, just right in front of me. I never once took my gaze away from him, determined to hold it off. He seems incredibly amused by my actions and the glee in his voice when he spoke again was apparent. He cups my chin with his hand and leans in close. "So beautiful, boy," he breathes. "So, you've grown a spine since we last met. No more depending on Tsuzuki-san, I suppose.."  
  
I try to jerk away, but the death-grip he is holding me remains firm. "Let the boy go," I say instead, looking into his mysterious, charming and dangerous silverish eyes.  
  
"But I need my share of fun. After Tsuzuki-san died, I'm so bored," he says, pouting a little.  
  
I cry out, trying my hardest to rip his hands off me. He withdraws his hand coolly and clicked his teeth. "There's no need to be rude, Hisoka," he frowns. He cast a glare in Shido's direction, whom by the way, is clinging on to Gushoushin for dear life. "I don't have the time nor the energy to waste on boring people like you so you need not be so worried," he says calmly to Shido, who bristled with unfathomable anger.  
  
Then, he turns around, his white trench coat twirling about his legs, heading back to the table. "Now would you please leave? I'm busy here," he gestures towards the petrified boy and the knife gleaming on the floor.  
  
I run forward and grab the hem of his trench coat. "Muraki," I cry out angrily. With surprising ease, he sidesteps me gracefully, leaving me to sprawl out on the floor like an idiot.  
  
"I will visit you soon, you've grown up quite a bit," he says to me, very pleased with himself.  
  
Shido helps me up to my feet, narrowing his eyes at Muraki. "You are insane!," he spits out, shaking his fist violently.  
  
Muraki simply smiles at his words and says, "Why, thank you very much."  
  
I don't think he likes Shido at all. He picks up the knife again, and starts trailing its tip lightly down the boy's arm. The boy whimpered and closes his eyes, succumbing to his fate.  
  
Something snaps in me and I run towards the boy, launching myself fullforce towards the knife in Muraki's hand. I manage to send it flying out of his grasp and clattering on the cool floor. He stares in surprise after the knife, before regaining his composure. He looks a little irritated though. "Hisoka-kun," he practically purrs. "Do not tempt me."  
  
Seeing red, I ran for the knife but a hand grabs my waist, preventing me from moving. He faces me and leans in close. I can feel his breath on my face. Totally and utterly helpless, I can only glare at him, refusing to look away. I left a mental note to request a change of partners if I make it alive. I can't help being mean but that useless idiot is doing nothing except squeaking in fear with the equally stoic chicken.  
  
"Do you really wish for me to make you remember again what I did to you that night?" Muraki asks, his voice low and dangerous. I wince as he grips my waist harder, flashes of the red moon and my curse marks entering my mind. I desperately try to put my shields up higher. Having kept it locked up for so long, I am not prepared for any more mental straining. I feel his desire and anger boring into me and the images become clearer and clearer. Flashes of Tsuzuki giving up and calling for Touda, the bleeding moon of that night when he raped me only for me to suffer another three years to actually die, Tsubaki-hime who still proclaimed her love for him, even after knowing his true character, what he intends to do to me...  
  
It is all too much.  
  
A strangled, mad cry if hysteria escapes my mouth as I trash around wildly in vain. I've had enough. I want Tsuzuki back to protect me, like he always did by my side. I need him. I need him so badly it hurts.  
  
My nightmare continues as he crushes his lips onto mine, drawing blood from my lips as I struggle. "Tsuzuki-san did not even struggle as much as you did," he mutters into my mouth.  
  
"Noo!" I say desperately, pushing him away, with all the last bit of strength I could muster from within me. That worked. He lets go, and I fall back on the floor, my back slamming on to the cool surface, but the pain never registered. I just gape at him, watching him numbly, as he calmly wipes his mouth.  
  
"Hn," he said, narrowing one eye at me. "You are just as broken as he is."  
  
A muffled sob escapes my mouth.  
  
_Tsuzuki, where are you?  
  
I need you.  
_  
He turns his back on me, and once more, walks towards the boy chained to the table. Looking around for the knife, he spots it lying on the far corner of the room and smiles. He heads for the sharp object.  
  
Suddenly, I remembered.  
  
Byakko.  
  
I mutter the words needed to summon the tiger-god as quickly as I can under my breath. When the spell is completed, Byakko leaps out roaring, a majestic and magical air about him.  
  
Muraki is startled and instantly displeased by the presence of my shikigami.However, he quickly recovers his composure.   
  
"Why, this is getting more and more interesting, boy. How many more surprises are you going to give me?" he asks coolly, ignoring the snarls of the tiger-god.  
  
I do not answer him; instead I order-no, almost begged- Byakko to rescue the boy, who was now sobbing quietly. Muraki can wait.  
  
He nods gruffly and leaps towards the table.  
  
"Oh no, Hisoka, you aren't going to spoil my fun," Muraki says gleefully, picking up the knife from the floor.  
  
"Byakko," I yell. "Hurry!"  
  
Byakko reaches the table.  
  
Muraki took aim with the knife.  
  
Time seems to stand still as I watch in horror; Muraki's aiming is perfect. The knife dove straight into the boy's heart. A piercing scream filled the air, as the boy cried out in pain. Five seconds later, all was silent.  
  
The little boy had died.  
  
A corner of Muraki's mouth lifted, as he looks at the sight of me, kneeling down in defeat. "Hmmph, you spoiled my fun a little, bouya," he says, sneering a little in contempt at the still boy lying on the table, before a magnificent bright light appeared before him, and he disappeared.  
  
_Always, always, I am so weak.I tried..to be strong.. but it wasn't enough. Muraki still wins._  
  
I do not know how long I stayed that way, on my knees, looking at the boy. Attempts of Shido and Byakko to comfort me failed. All I remembered thinking before I sobbed into a very familiar person's arms was that "This is how Tsuzuki must have felt when he wanted to die". And then, I passed out.  
  
t.b.c.

* * *

A/n: Don't kill me???? Please?? :3. I enjoyed writing Muraki, he's so insane it's hard to hate him..  
I hope I kept Tsuzuki in character o.o, one of the reasons why i made this fic from Hisoka's POV, is because I didn't have the courage to write about Tsuzuki in the first place. He is a tough cookie .. soo.. I hope I kept him IC.  
  
Review please.Praises(good for ego, ne:D )and constructive criticisms very very welcome(helps me improve), and flames would be cheerfully ignored and tossed into Touda's fire. Threats to update are also welcome :P. I'm horrible at updating so I need people to poke me repeatedly into doing it.

* * *

Replies to reviews :  
  
JJ: Of course I don't mind. It helps A LOT coz i've only read the manga once O.O so i am a lil fuzzy on all the important details. thanks so much for sticking to my fic :). anyways, i hope what i wrote made sense, especially on the part where i explained how Tsuzuki was saved from the fire.... if it wasn't, then, please feel free to correct me :D.  
  
Sapphire Dragon : I love you, you always give me so encouraging reviews. And you were the first reviewer too. And reviewed every chapter so far. :3 gives tsuzuki-plushie  
  
Serene-ai :WAII!! I wuv you too!! Sniff sniff...your reviews are always soo encouraging. Thank you so much.  
  
Ethereal-tenshi: :D. thank you for reviewing. I wuv you!!  
  
Juipter Arkady : new reviewer!!   
  
Karen Rhine: hehe, you'll have to read on then! (please? O.O) yes, inu- Tsuzuki is so kawaii desu :D.  
  
xXLil Yu JahXx: I like your review. It was honest :). Yeap, when I reread my last chapters, I felt it wasn't good enough. Detail is always one thing I am weak at, and I am really glad you pointed it out. Makes me want to make the effort to improve and add in more detail. I hope this chapter has been an improvement. Thank you so much for reviewing :).  
  



	5. chapter5

Sorry for the delay. fanfictiondotnet was being evil so i had to fiddle a bit with Quick Edit 'growls'

**Chapter 5**

* * *

"He needs his rest so just leave him be until he wakes up," Watari said firmly, laying the slump weary body of Hisoka softly onto the hospital bed. There was not a sound to be heard from Hisoka as Watari tucked him in comfortably. The bed appeared too massive even though it was of single size, as he had lost a considerable amount of weight over the past few months.

Tsuzuki paced the infirmary anxiously, never losing sight of Hisoka. "Watari...are you sure he's going to be okay?" he asked worriedly.

Watari cast a concerned glance to Hisoka's direction. In a soft whisper, less he might wake up, he explained, "Physically, he is fine except that he is a little skinny. However, he has taken a huge blow mentally. I have not looked after him as well as I should have."

He sighed.

Tsuzuki stopped at midpace at the foot of Hisoka's bed. His anxiety grew as he stared at Hisoka. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully but there was no telling what was going on inside his mind. "But...I mean, what can I do?" he asked desperately.

Watari sighed again, softer this time. "I don't know. You might be able to help him, Tsuzuki. He has been a little ... down... since you..." he stopped, unsure of how to continue.

Tsuzuki drooped to the floor in dismay. "It's all my fault," he said sadly. "Hisoka...he...never would have become like this if I did not leave. Watari, he was going to Byakko every night just to help him to sleep."

Watari did not question how or why Tsuzuki knew. He did not question either how or why Tsuzuki came back. He was just relieved, and happy, as was almost everyone, when they saw Tsuzuki burst into the infirmary, frantic and practically incoherent, an unconscious Hisoka in his arms. Perhaps Bon would be okay again, with Tsuzuki back.

Tatsumi came in, closing the door softly with a click. Tsuzuki looked up and attempted to smile but failed terribly. Tatsumi walked over to him and kneeled down in front of him.

"It's not your fault."

Tsuzuki looked up, half-surprised at how well Tatsumi could read him. But then again, Tatsumi had always been able to read him unusually well. In all the time they had become colleagues, he had gone to Tatusmi countless times for comfort.

"But..."

Tatsumi smiled gently and touched his cheek. "It's not your fault," he said again. "Kurosaki-kun will wake up soon and then you will just have to help make him better, as we all believe he will; with you by his side. It's no use blaming yourself when it has already happened. All you can do now is make things better, not sink lower."

Tsuzuki looked up again, this time, still hesitating, but surer of himself.

Tatsumi ruffled Tsuzuki's hair and stood up, adjusting his coat slightly. He exchanged a knowing glance with Watari.

"Tsuzuki," he spoke cautiously. "You do know of Kurosaki-kun's empathy right? It seems that he can't feel people's emotions anymore."

Tsuzuki looked at Tatsumi in shock. "Wha..."he stammered

.

"We can't be too sure now, because Muraki tortured him in some way by touching him, as Shido reported to me earlier. But Watari has a theory about this." He poured himself a glass of water, waiting for Watari who was measuring Hisoka's temperature, to elaborate.

Watari flicked the thermometer twice before putting it into Hisoka's mouth. As he did, he explained, "I think he could not take it anymore so he simply shut himself down. In more proper words, I believe that Hisoka has full control of his empathy, but he has chosen to block out every single emotion that was projected. He didn't want to feel anymore."

He took out the thermometer and held it in the dim light. Satisfied, he turned to Tsuzuki's direction, his curls bobbing cheerfully along. "Yup. No fever. It's just a theory of mine though. There might or might not be other reasons for his empathy being gone. We are hoping," he continued slowly eyeing Tsuzuki, "that you might be able to coax Bon into opening himself up a bit. That might help him to gain confidence in himself and maybe lead him to accept his empathy."

Tsuzuki took all of this into thought. Despite Tatsumi's kind words earlier, the guilt wave was rushing back at him. Hisoka had opened up more when he was his partner; slowly, but surely. He had began to slowly untangle all the complicatedness that was essentially Hisoka: to make him see that he had friends and people that genuinely cared about him. And Hisoka had responded, in his own way. He didn't close up when Tsuzuki would playfully touch him in the shoulder, or help him up to his feet. His response was that he had gotten used to Tsuzuki's mad capering ways and his weird emotions. He was upset however, that Tsuzuki did not show him the side of himself, that he kept in dark from everyone, it made Hisoka feel that he was in the same league as everyone else to Tsuzuki, that he was a good friend, but nothing more than that. And it hurt.

Tsuzuki knew all of that, and more. It was just like Hisoka to say it, simple and matter-of-fact. He was unhappy about the way Tsuzuki treated him, and he said it out loud. Tsuzuki knew he was being unfair, but he couldn't make himself to show that despicable side of his. He couldn't let Hisoka see that inhumane side of him. He had seen glimpses of that side, during the time Saaganatsu invaded his body, and it had finally exploded in Hisoka's face in the building under the university. Muraki was too good: he knew which buttons to push.

It was his fault, that Hisoka had retreated into his unresponsive cold, callous self. It was his self-defense mechanism, to stop himself on being hurt. And he had been hurt badly, not by Muraki. But by Tsuzuki.

It was all his fault.

He covered his hands with his face. How can he face all of them, when he was the one that drove Hisoka to be like this? If Hisoka got worse, he would never forgive himself.

"Tsuzuki," Tatsumi said again. He walked over to Tsuzuki again; crouched down and gently pulled his arms away from his face. Tsuzuki resisted. "How can I face...all of you...when...," he mumbled close to tears, trying to pull away from the grip of Tatsumi.

Tatsumi managed to pry Tsuzuki's arms away from his face and wiped away his tears. He pulled Tsuzuki into his arms and rubbed his back comfortingly. "It's not the time to do this, Tsuzuki. You have to be strong, for Kurosaki-kun. Wasn't he there for you when you were upset? It's his turn now and you have to help him."

"But..."

"It's okay," he continued soothingly.

After a while, he gently released Tsuzuki from his grip and stood up, clearing his throat. "I have to be going now. Kachou needs me in the office. I'll come visit later, Tsuzuki, Watari."

With a crisp nod and another comforting smile at Tsuzuki, he headed for the door.

"Wait," Watari went after him, his curls bobbing along. "I'll come with you. Tsuzuki, we'll leave Bon to you. If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

Tsuzuki nodded, and slowly got up towards Hisoka's bed. The door closed behind him with a soft click. The infirmary was empty, except for Hisoka. There wasn't a sound to be heard, only the soft gentle snores of Hisoka and the billowing breeze blowing through the window.

He pulled a wooden chair to the edge of the bed and looked down at the sleeping profile of his partner. He smiled gently at those eyes which seemed to be glaring at him and he imagined Hisoka saying "Baka" in that annoyed yet amused tone.

"Soka," he whispered, brushing off stray hair away from Hisoka's face. "Hurry up and wake up."

* * *

Watari closed the door behind him and started after Tatsumi, who was walking briskly down the hallway. As he stepped into pace with Tatsumi, he commented, with a smile on his face. "You always have a soft spot for Tsuzuki, haven't you?"

Without even bothering to look at Watari as he was long used to his teasing ways and observant eye, even if he closed them off to other rather obvious things., Tatsumi simply replied, "It is the least I can do, for Kurosaki-kun. I don't think he would be in the right mind and position to talk Tsuzuki out of his guilt trip. Kurosaki-kun needs to be comforted, not doing the comforting."

"Right," Watari said disbelievingly.

Tatsumi rolled his eyes. "Seriously Watari, your thoughts never fail to amaze me. It's not like that. Tsuzuki...he... I would never have been able to take all of his -" he paused, searching for the right words, "It is so painful to see him blaming himself and practically torturing himself after every murder, every case... I didn't know what to do. Hisoka... he had experienced some of that himself, he knows, I'm sure, exactly what Tsuzuki is feeling and he might be able to help him. The both of them... they are so alike yet different at the same time they don't even realise it themselves."

For a few minutes, nothing could be heard exept the crisp tap-tap of their shoes.

"Ah, as selfless as usual," Watari quirked, breaking the uncomfortable silence. They passed Wakaba who waved cheerfully at them. "How's Tsuzuki?" she asked, shouting a little because by the time she finished her sentence, Tatusmi and Watari had long passed her down the hallway.

Watari looked back and shouted just as jovially, "He's fine. He's with Bon!" Terazuma was by Wakaba's side, sulking as usual and pretending not to care. Watari waved back as cheerfully; Tatsumi simply nodded as he was accustomed to.

"Ne, Tatsumi..."

"What is it?"

"Do you think, that Muraki will..."

Tatsumi frowned. He pushed his glasses up his nose and turned to look at the scientist. "That's what I was worried about too. In any case, we must be careful."

Suddenly, Tatsumi stopped in his tracks, and as a result, Watari bumped into him, sending golden-brown curls splaying and jumping all over the place. "Tatsumi, why did you stop?!!"

Piercing blue eyes looked back at him amusingly. "This is your lab remember?"

Watari stared at the sign on the door. It was a little charred at the edges, from the countless explosions from his failed experiments over the years. "Oh," he said sheepishly, rubbing his head absently.

"I'll see you soon then." He tapped his forehead twice and walked into his lab, his curls bobbing gleefully along.

* * *

__

_I'll come visit you soon, I promise._

_  
  
You're just as broken as he is._

__

Hisoka...save me... why are you just standing there? Save me. Please. The fire...it's burning me...Soka...Soka...

You've grown a spine, bouya. Gotten braver since Tsuzuki left? How interesting.

Hisoka, please. Why are you so mean? Why didn't you come save me?

It's all your fault. I'm going now. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye......

Hisoka opened his eyes in shock, his breaths coming out in huge short gasps. It's only a nightmare, he thought dully trying to calm himself and get his heart to beat to its normal rhythm.

_I'll come visit you soon._

__

He shivered, his heart racing again. Flashes of what Muraki would do to him slithered into his mind, like a snake would in pursuit of its prey. He reached to his arm and pulled a little of the sleeve up. The curse marks shone brightly, almost illuminating the dark room. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the impending meaning of the marks. Whenever that happened, it was only a matter of time before Muraki caught up with him.

And his head, it hurt so badly. His mind almost felt raw, like it could break anytime. He let go of his sleeve and reached to massage his temple. The throbbing would not stop, it was as if there was some other emotion making its way into his mind, and emotion that didn't belong to him.

His hands rubbing the sides of his forehead absently, he looked around. He was in the infirmary again, for the umpteenth time. It was night time, that he could tell, but it wasn't completely dark, because of the faint strip of moonlight that streamed softly through the window by his bedside. He could see the faint edges of the bed he was lying in and the silhouette of something else the moonlight did not catch.

His breath quickened by a pace as he strained his eyes to see what was it. There was no one else in the infirmary but himself and he doubted that he could make it to the door in time if it was an intruder. He crawled out of the warm shelter under the blankets and edged closer to the thing. It didn't seem like an intruder because it wasn't moving.

He crawled nearer, his curiosity taking over. And when he was near enough to see what it was, his heart nearly stopped.

Tsuzuki was sleeping like an angel, his head in his arms on the bed, his hair splaying out to all edges on the sheets. He was rather perched on an uncomfortable position, because he was sitting in a rather rickety looking wooden chair.

It had to be a dream, Hisoka thought. It had to be.

There was no way that Tsuzuki could return. He'd saw through his own eyes when the fire engulfed him.

He was trapped, he realized with a pang, waking up to his own dream. How cruel, when it seemed so real, that image of Tsuzuki sleeping ever so peacefully by the side of the bed.

He reached out a hand and ran it through Tsuzuki's chocolate bangs. It felt real enough, but Hisoka had long gotten used to this kind of dreams. They were the kinds that tricked your mind, leading you to believe it is real but when you woke up, you'd realize that it was nothing more than your mind making you to see things that never will be, however much you wish for it to happen. 

It was with these painful thoughts that made Hisoka want to get the best out of his dream. Might as well, if he was going to wake up to a Tsuzuki-less world.

He gently prodded Tsuzuki's arm with one hand and with the other, he snaked it under Tsuzuki's shoulder. Tsuzuki shifted slightly, and merely continued sleeping, mumbling something along the lines of "Strawbery pocky...chocolate cake..."

Hisoka stared amusedly at the sight before him. He tried again, poking his arm harder this time. This time, Tsuzuki woke up, eyes peering sleepily at him. "What is it, Soka... Let me sleep," he pouted, eyes droopy and hair dropping all over his eyes.

"It's not comfortable there." He climbed back into the warm refuge under the blankets and lifted them up a little, patting the empty space next to him. "Come in," he said.

Tsuzuki yawned, stretching a little. He got up and clambered into the space next to Hisoka.

"Night..." he trailed off, falling back into a gentle slumber.

Hisoka reached out for Tsuzuki and his hands found Tsuzuki's waist. He pulled him close, flinching a little at the overpowering emotions flooding into his mind. He ignored them and burrowed closer into the crook of Tsuzuki's neck. In response, Tsuzuki sleepily reached for Hisoka and hugged him close.

It's going to be a shame when I wake up, he thought sleepily as he drifted off too, into another dream.

* * *

Um, ;D hope you enjoyed it. Tsuzuki is such a blurcase, not even realizing Hisoka is awake --;;. Even though it was only about 2.8k of words, it took a long time to write. It came out just the way I wanted it to be tho .

'Throws Hisoka plushies for reviewers to hug'Constructive criticisms and praises very much appreciated. Byakko will stomp on all flames received so don't even bother. :D**Replies to reviews:****   
  
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**Sapphire Dragon**: now you have a hisoka plushie to add to your collection . sorry for the delay..yeah i was procrastinating lol..no Shido in this chapter... hehe poor thing. don't kill me for updating so late**kaori-chan** : you won't miss much at the rate i'm updating ;P i'm glad you liked it. estatic more like it but... yeah :D**kl**: thank you!!! i'm glad you think they are all IC. i was a bit worried for hisoka but he turned out fine i hope !!**Karen-Rhine**: we absolutely must start a shrine on chibi-inu Tsuzuki. o.o**dream-eater-is-hungry**:sorry for the delay??:P**serene-ai**: fanfiction(dot)net can be evil sometimes..(most of the time but shh) LOL maybe next time we can pair byakko up with hisoka :P**Night Fox Hiten**: i'm so happee u liked hisoka. i love him to death, tsuzuki as well, i'm so glad u liked the fic :D. i'll think about not hurting muraki lol!**kiori**: thank you!!! so encouraging and i updated so late --''**ethereal-tenshi**: i'm dead. since you killed me for waiting too long.**JJ**: WAIII!! well hisoka doesn't really know yet tsuzuki is back(silly people) but they did hug :D.**Ying Fa 19**: so nice of you to review every chapter ..thank you so much. and thanks also for reviewing "Trust". hope you're happy with this one :D**Krymson Tide**: I know I can be so evil to Hisoka but since Tsuzuki is back, forgive me ne??Thanks also to all da people who reviewed for my one-shot '**Trust**" ;). I did not expect that much feedback, it was a fifteen minute thing that I just had to write down. so..thank you!! 


	6. Chapter 6

Hisoka woke up to a tremendous throbbing in his head. His muscles were aching like hell and his limbs felt like they were made of lead. He groaned slightly and stretched.

Despite himself, he smiled. Letting free a humongous yawn and closed his eyes again, savouring the post-wake up moment. It was rare of him to wake up so contented and blissful. Usually he woke up screaming and drenched in his own sweat. Through his closed eyelids, he could see the touches of sunlight dancing on the rims. He could hear, in the distance, the insane twittering of the birds and leaves rustling to the gentle breeze.

He smiled again, remembering the dream. It almost seemed real…like Tsuzuki was right there, right by his side, watching over him.

He turned his head woozily to snuggle into his pillow even more and nearly died. Tsuzuki was sleeping contentedly beside him, both arms curled snugly around Hisoka's waist.

He sat up dead straight, sitting in a tangle of legs and hands. No wonder his limbs felt like lead. Tsuzuki was sleeping on them.

But how- what- when- ?

What the fuck was Tsuzuki doing in his bed?

He opened his mouth in shock. Two seconds later, realization whacked him in the head. Tsuzuki was alive. Something that resembled a gasp and a croak came out of his mouth.

"Tsu…Tsu…"

He tried again.

"Tsuzuki…"

Tsuzuki merely grumbled something inaudible and continued sleeping.

At first, Hisoka feared all of it was a figment of his own twisted imagination again. But it felt real enough. Surely God wouldn't be so cruel…?

He managed to untangle one hand from under Tsuzuki- it was all red and numb- and reached to touch his face. Ever so gingerly and almost unbelievably, he felt Tsuzuki's contours of his face, his jaw line… the mess of brown hair that was splayed all over his face…this was real… Tsuzuki was real.

He felt the tears come. Almost immediately, the dull ache from within him, the icy cold front he had put up for so long, and the emptiness inside of him dissolved; leaving a very pleasant mix of shock, almost genuine happiness and relief. And… and…

He smiled again, ignoring the tears. It was okay now, everything will be okay. Muraki, the little boy whom he killed, his throbbing head... it all seemed so trivial now.

Forgetting himself for a moment, Hisoka reached out for Tsuzuki's shoulders and then he hugged him. He hugged so tight Tsuzuki grumbled a little but was otherwise thankfully silent. God knows what his reaction would be if he woke up. Hisoka closed his eyes, not thinking and not worrying. He let everything go and just felt.

As natural as breathing had become, Hisoka unthinkingly let down his shields. He wondered fleetingly what cake Tsuzuki would be gobbling up in his dream... he couldn't be having a nightmare could he? He wasn't flailing around and if he did, Hisoka would have been the first to felt it.

Lower... Lower...

Hisoka could almost hear Tsuzuki's train of thought now... He felt..he felt..

Nothing.

He tried again. He wasn't really using his empathy for quite some time now, in fact, he had even forced it into hiding and gotten a little used to simply not feeling. It seemed less heartbreaking that way. But if he really wanted to, he could have just as easily utilise his empathetic skills again.

What was wrong?

It couldn't be that Tsuzuki wasn't feeling anything. That baka always had something in his mind; he could keep his innermost feelings guarded, but he was asleep for god's sake.

Hisoka could feel the beginnings of a panic attack swirl around in his stomach. He didn't know what to think. Perhaps he was dreaming yet again or he could have lost his empathy which was really what he would have agreed on rather than have it just be a dream but he didn't want to lose his skills regardless. He was just so wind up nowadays he didn't know what to think anymore. He brushed away the grim thoughts and tried to focus. Maybe he just needed to concentrate. That was it.

He focused, breathed in as deeply as he could and reached out mentally towards Tsuzuki. He felt...nothing. Nada.

He let out a strangled cry of frustration and punched the bed. It didn't do any good because it was too soft to drain away the tension in him so he punched it again.

Losing his empathy could mean... he had always said his empathy was a bane to him but over the years, he had somehow gotten used to it. It was a handy tool to read people's emotions, and then he would know how to react to them. He knew who hated him, who was being a hypocrite and who was sincere. Even if sometimes it was a torture when he could not control the surge of emotions flowing into him especially when he was among crowds, he had gotten so used to using his empathy to read people's minds that...he'd forgotten how to tell from their faces what they were feeling. And if he'd lost that, how the hell could he tell what Tsuzuki thought in that complicated and delicate mind of his?

He growled in anger and punched the bed again. And again. And then Tsuzuki's hand reached out to stop him.

His anger faded away to just a simmer, boiling under his skin but he was calm enough to gather about his senses. He stared in quiet distress as Tsuzuki got himself up to a sitting position with his free hand.

"What's wrong Hisoka?" Tsuzuki's face was a picture of worry and sleepiness mixed together.

"I..." Hisoka stared at his wrist in Tsuzuki's. It was so small and frail, his hand, compared to Tsuzuki's larger one. Tsuzuki's grip was gentle, and his skin was hot to the touch.

Tsuzuki pulled it away. Hisoka was almost sorry to let go. "Ah, I'm sorry. It must be hard on your empathy."

Great. Tsuzuki might have misunderstood that.

"No.. I... I can't feel a thing."

Tsuzuki's head shot up in surprise.

"What?"

"My empathy..." Hisoka looked desperately into Tsuzuki's face for a hint of whatever that man was feeling. "It's gone!"

"Whaddya mean it's gone?" Tsuzuki asked. "Maybe it's just a lack of concentration?"

"No," Hisoka shook his head. "I tried. Loads of times. I can't tell what other people are feeling."

"Other people?" Hisoka saw Tsuzuki look quizzically around the room. There was no one else in it but the two of them, nestled within Hisoka's bed. There were five other empty hospital beds around. Tsuzuki looked at Hisoka warily. His eyes clouded up a little before they returned to the normal purplish hue.

"Ah..."

It was Hisoka's turn to look away.

"Well... I'll go call Watari or Tatsumi, okay? Don't worry Soka." Tsuzuki smiled and ruffled Hisoka's hair a little. He reached over to his side of the bed, pulled open the covers, and paused.

Hisoka stared, wondering what the hell was wrong.

"Ano...did I sleep here last night?"

Fuck. Hisoka flushed. His brain kicked itself into some desperate action. "Well, you said you were cold...so..."

Tsuzuki turned around. He was bright red too. "Did I? I... I must have been dreaming. I don't remember I said that. I'm sorry anyway." He smiled, too porcelain for Hisoka's liking.

Tsuzuki turned his back on Hisoka and sat on the edge of the covers, reaching down for his shoes. The tips of his ears were a bright crimson. Hisoka half-extended a weak hand to do something; he wasn't sure what, but he quickly retreated it back to his side when Tsuzuki shot up like a tightly wounded up toy soldier and practically ran for the door.

The familiar icy cold feeling relodged itself in Hisoka's gut. It was too early in the morning to figure out just what was wrong with Tsuzuki and he was dead tired. Despite his blissful feelings earlier, he felt worn down and moroseful.

Watari waltzed in a few minutes later, with Tsuzuki right behind him and the resident doctor of the infirmary. Despite the fact that he was irritable and considering the seriousness of the situation, Watari still managed to look as cheerful as a bunny.

"Yo, bouya."

Hisoka glared at his socks.

The doctor promptly walked to his side of the bed and sat down promptly on a patch of empty space. He then lifted the hairs off Hisoka's forehead and felt for his temperature. A few series of "hmm's" and some "aaah's" followed.

"What's wrong Watari?" Tsuzuki asked. He was standing at the foot of the bed. Hisoka took it as a sign of deliberate detachment. There was a massive amount of bedspace on his left, since he was leaning sideways on the right, surely Tsuzuki would have naturally sat down at least on his left?

Okay, he was officially going nuts without his empathy.

Watari shushed him and asked Hisoka some questions. Can't you feel my emotions? NO! What about Tsuzuki's? no. Do you have any headaches? no...Are you sure? ...maybe a little..

And so on and so forth.

Tsuzuki interrupted on one occasion. "Maybe it is temporary and it will go away after a few days..."

"What are you stupid!" Hisoka shot back...and instantly regretted it. Tsuzuki smiled and ruffled his own hair and said well, maybe he was and don't mind him blablalba. Hisoka didn't need his empathy to know that it stung.

"Now now, bon, no need to get so irritated so early in the morning." Watari beamed.

Hisoka merely looked away, unable to apologise for some reason.

After twenty minutes of introspection and a lot of discussion between the doctor and Watari, Watari finally elaborated his thoughts. "I think, Hisoka, that somehow or another, that incident with Muraki has affected your empathy. You said before you couldn't feel anything, but you were simply not using it, right?" He looked at Hisoka sharply.

Hisoka nodded, feeling rather small and childish.

"Well, Muraki must have impounded your mind with his evil thoughts, which were too heavy and dark to bear all at once. Probably your empathy took its toll on you and collapsed."

Tsuzuki started pacing. "Then, you mean it's gone, forever?"

"Well, I wouldn't know. I for one, do not believe that. But I will have to do more research on that, I'm afraid. In the meantime, you'll just have to make do without it."

"BUT... but I..." Hisoka stared helplessly at Watari. How could he survive without it? He was too used to it. Even though Watari and Tsuzuki were his collegues, his friends, right now, they seemed like strangers. They resembled shells without any feelings whatsoever. He was so used to the slightly mad aura that surrounded Watari wherever he went. Now he couldn't sense any of it. Tsuzuki always had a strong presence, of sadness, of guilt, and of something else. Now he was... empty. He didn't know anything other than from their faces and voices whether they were happy or sad, or concerned. And he wasn't an expert at reading their faces. It wasn't enough. He needed to know..for sure.. The expressions can be faked, like he knew Tsuzuki put on his stupid cheerful act most of the time, it wasn't real. He didn't know now.

"It's going to be a bit hard, I know but sooner or later, you'll get used to it," Watari said in a soothing tone.

He felt lost and small and useless and...weak.

"Don't worry Hisoka." Tsuzuki came right up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "We'll help you."

Hisoka stifled a sob that was creeping up his throat. He threw all caution to the wind and took Tsuzuki's hand and hugged him. He buried his face into Tsuzuki's coat. The reality of Tsuzuki's return suddenly took over and soon he was sobbing as loudly as a three year old baby. Tsuzuki is back... the words repeated itself again and again in his head. No matter what, Tsuzuki came back.

"I'm so sorry, Hisoka. Sorry. Sorry..." Tsuzuki murmured those words by his ear over and over again, his hand rubbing Hisoka's back gently in soothing circles.

Somehow, as Hisoka clung to Tsuzuki's arms for comfort, he couldn't help shaking off the icicles that lodged themselves in his throat. He was a fairly composed person by normal standards, but Tsuzuki's actions were confusing him to no ends. He was a little taken aback by Tsuzuki's hastiness to leave the room, and then brought to opposite conclusions when Tsuzuki comforted him. He couldn't pinpoint Tsuzuki's train of thought and it bewildered him.

He supposed he should be grateful that Tsuzuki came back, even though there were a million different questions in his mind that he wanted answers to and didn't dare to ask, even though he was on the verge of breaking down and just scream out his thoughts, even though he was quite mad at everyone especially at Tsuzuki and he didn't know why.

* * *

A/N: I'm really sorry guys for taking so long on this. I have my reasons and I would gladly tell you so but I don't want to bother you unless you really want to know :D. In the meantime, I am eternally grateful to the reviewers and the people who have gently reminded me countless times to get the story back on track and I am amazed if you even remembered my story at all :) Feel free to kill me or roast me, I am so so so so sorry. 

Feedback is greatly appreciated.


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